Bruno
 
Henrietta
 
Jake
 
Maximillion
 
River

Bruno's Birth

Bruno's birth was such a beautiful and sweet experience. It was a little scary starting out, though. We were two weeks overdue and had gone in for an ultrasound just to check things out. There was not much amniotic fluid left in there, at all. At first we thought the doctor was being a little alarmist, but then we talked to Vicki who had talked to the doctor and she said yes, you really need to have this baby this weekend (it was Friday.)

SO, Saturday we spent the whole day doing everything in our power to get labor going. I was on an insane regimen of herbs, breast pumping, vigorous walks, and even castor oil. Matt was so great, dosing me with my herbs every twenty minutes and sending me out on my walks and I guess taking care of Jack the whole time... truth be told I can't remember what my 2 year old son Jack was up to, I sure wasn't taking care of him, much too busy... marching around the neighborhood talking to my belly saying,"We're ready for you baby, come on out, we really want to meet you..." At this point I think I finally really meant it... I had been so scared and full of trepidation the whole time I was pregnant with Bruno, not really sure we had the skills to juggle two kids... not quite sure our relationship was in good enough shape to handle the stress of two kids... now that we were faced with an induction and hospital birth on Monday, I was finally getting serious about welcoming our baby into the world and starting our new life.

Vicki popped in and out during that day, checking in on us. She came and gave me a third dose of castor oil in the evening and finally I started feeling some contractions. At that point she sent me to bed so I could rest up for when labor really got going. I probably started waking up for contractions at around 2 am, but amazingly enough I was able to go back to sleep in between each one. They were probably 8-20 minutes apart. I would get up on my hands and knees for the contractions, then lie down and drift off again. I can't believe I was able to do that. Matt would groggily ask me if I was OK or if I needed him to wake up and I didn't really see a need yet, so the night passed in this manner.

Jack woke up at 8 or 9 and Matt got up and gave him breakfast. I stayed in the bedroom mostly, not wanting him to jump all over me, but it was so sweet and perfect that I was able to go out and give him a hug and say good morning before he went off to spend the day with some friends. I had been so worried that he'd have to be whisked off in the middle of the night or something else that might be scary for a two year old, so I felt so blessed that he could just spend the night in his own bed and then go off with some great friends with whom he'd have a wonderful time.

Although it was February it was a beautiful warm spring-like day with clear blue skies and sunlight pouring in the windows. Vicki didn't even come until 11 or so because my contractions were still so far apart, and I was really pretty calm. At that point it seemed there was a little bit of a grim feeling in the air. I had taken so incredibly long to progress when I was in labor with Jack, and I think that Vicki and Matt were both feeling like that was the case again, that we might be in for another marathon labor experience. So HOW INCREDIBLY SATISFYING to see Vicki's amazed and happy face when she checked me and said I was at 9 cm! She had thought I was so calm I couldn't possibly in transistion, but I was and almost ready to go!

I don't think my contractions ever got closer than 5 or 8 minutes apart. It was so great to get a really nice rest before having to face another one. I could also notice different parts of the contraction, which seemed to make it so much more manageable. I would feel it come on in my back, then into my belly, and then into my cervix. I think the belly part was the most painful, but I felt I could get through it because I knew in just a few seconds the contractions would pass on to the next phase.

I could ONLY be on my hands and knees during a contraction. I was walking around the house and in the backyard, and the minute I felt one coming on I had to just hit the floor. With Jack's birth, I had been in lots of different positions, and also felt a lot of relief being in the warm water in the bath, but with this one I didn't even like the bath. Hands and knees was the way to go.

Vicki said that I was complete, but that I could just go lie down and wait until I felt ready to push. This felt like one of the sweetest times in my whole life. I felt so close to Matt. Vicki and Patti and Sam went into the other room and Matt and I lay down together on the bed. It felt like we were in there for hours but it was probably only twenty minutes at the most. We just lay there and talked and cuddled, it was so sunny and beautiful outside, and we knew our baby would be here soon.

Suddenly I felt the unmistakably urgent feeling that the baby was coming right that very minute. It was great to be able to feel that way, because when I was laboring with Jack, I had pushed for four hours and never felt that feeling. It was a little scary too though, another instance of knowing there was no way out of this except to walk the gauntlet. We called the midwives in and I got down on the floor. It's funny, I remembered very clearly at one point saying, "I can't do this!" and the midwives kind of laughing and saying, "You already did it, the head is coming out!" but when I watched the birth video, that's not in there. It was just in my head.

It was an extremely satisfying experience of pushing. It was probably about 12 minutes and with every push everyone exclaimed about how much progress I was making. It was so great to hear everyone cheering me on, it gave me so much confidence. Just a little bit of (extremely hard!) work and Bruno slipped out into the world! He started crying right away. Words cannot express the ecstasy of this moment! It was all over and our baby was here, perfect and beautiful.

In a way we had been hoping for a girl, and prior to his birth I thought there was no way I wouldn't be just a TINY bit disapointed if we had another boy. But it was really really true that his gender never made one iota of a difference. It never even occurred to me. We were just in total paradise and 100% in love with THIS precious little being.

He cried and cried, and the tips of his ears were folded over. Vicki said she thought his head had been stuck in an awkward position and that maybe that was why he had had trouble getting going. I liked it that she said, “Tell us all about it, little one" to Bruno, instead of saying , “Shh, shh." It had been a pretty major experience for him and he had something to say about it! After about ten minutes of cleaning us up and cutting the cord and everything, they made this great bath for me with herbs in it. I got in it with Bruno and he stopped crying and chilled right out. His eyes were wide open and he was just looking around and looking at me, totally awake and aware and peaceful. What a beautiful moment. What a beautiful and peaceful birth!

 
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Henrietta's Birth

Our first birth was a marathon...something like forty-eight hours of labor. It turned out great in the end, a happy, healthy baby born at home. Nearly 10 pounds worth!

Our second pregnancy went to 42 weeks. When it finally came, the labor was much "easier" (easy for the father to say!). Kami made it through a night's worth of contractions and actually slept in between them.

Our third birth was also our third with Vicki, so I'd been briefed on 'precipitous birth' three times. I'll admit I was even a little cocky about how I could handle it if it happened with us.

Kami was again fairly overdue. At 11 days, when we started a natural induction: black/blue cohosh, breast pumping, walking, and, of course.....castor oil (yum!) We were supposed to start bright and early Monday morning. As fate would have it we had to go pick up a new car in San Marcos that day, and we didn't actually start until 2 o'clock in the afternoon. By 9 the contractions were long and regular enough that we decided to call Vicki. With both of our earlier pregnancies, Kami's contractions never got much closer together than 8 minutes, so we were actually pretty excited to be having contractions 3-5 minutes apart and 44-50 seconds long.

They were "talking contractions" though, and when Vicki arrived and checked Kami out, she was only 2 centimeters dilated. The way Kami's first two pregnancies had gone, we figured it might still be Noon or so on Tuesday before the baby got here. Vicki left at 10:00 with instructions to relax, cuddle, watch a movie and see what happens, and to "call if she get's a stoned look on her face." Kami was feeling pretty dismayed that she was only 2 cm. The contractions were really starting to hurt and she really wanted the baby to come. I was afraid that we still had 12 hours ahead of us, and wanted to help manage Kami's expectations. "The baby might not come untill tomorrow still...it may have been this bad last time, you just don't remember." (it may sound like a terrible thing to say, but the first labor lasted soooo long, I didn't want her to be disappointed the whole time if there were still so many hours to go.)

The contractions got progressively longer and stronger. I started putting pressure on the small of Kami's back while she leaned over on our little step stool. I had been used to letting Kami or Vicki decide what should be happening at any given stage during labor, but I could see that Kami had enough to do just to make it through the contractions. I decided to move us back to our bedroom, and the contraction were now so constant that the trip (8 paces) took about 10 minutes. Kami decided to get in the shower for a couple of minutes. I asked her if she wanted me to call Vicki. She said yes, but then I asked if we shouldn't wait twenty more minutes and see how things progressed. Then I realized that Kami had the total "stoned" look on her face and I called Vicki right away. Vicki said she'd be right over. We moved into the bedroom where Kami got on her knees and leaned on the bed. She was pretty upset and wishing Vicki would get here. The next thing I knew Kami yelled "Catch the baby! Catch the baby!" I threw up her skirt to find the baby's head half-way out. Within seconds, she was all the way out. Just like that! She came out crying, so we weren't worried about her breathing. Kami turned around and sat up on the bed, and I put the little girl on her lap. While mother sank into a peaceful first cuddle with the baby, I proceeded to fly around the room ripping open birth bags, trying to find the chapter on "Precipitous Birth" in the Wholistic Birthways birthing book (failing miserably!), finding the camera, calling Vicky ("She's here!"), laughing, trying to prop Kami up with pillows, taking a couple of quick looks under the hood. All the while Kami's in LaLa Land with baby.

Vicky arrived within minutes. (Thank Gods!) I had been a bit worried about the afterbirth business with the placenta and all that. Thankfully the contractions stopped for a good 8-10 minutes after the main event. And thankfully Vicky was there to take care of it with such skill and grace. It worked out pretty good, as far as unintentional unattended births go. I got to take care of the easy part ("Catch the baby! Catch the baby!"), and then Vicki came in and took care of the serious stuff. And you just could not have a better person to be there with you when you are having (or have just had) a baby. No kidding! Thank you Vicky!

 
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Jake's Birth

It was 2 o'clock in the morning when I woke up in a puddle. 38 weeks pregnant and half in a dream, I actually thought I wet the bed and went back to sleep! The puddle beneath me grew until I could no longer sleep in it. It dawned on me that this was not some uncontrolled pregnancy sneeze but broken waters. I woke up my husband, Justin, to tell him the news. Poor thing had just gone to sleep 2 hours prior after coming home from a 311 concert and was not expecting this to happen for at least another 2 weeks.

I called Vicki who to my surprise advised me to have a glass of wine and go back to sleep since I wasn't having any contractions. This was meant to prevent labor until the morning when I would be well rested and prepared to labor. I was thrilled to enjoy my first taste of wine since finding out I was pregnant. That glass of wine hit me like a ton of bricks! I managed to fall back asleep until 7 AM.

The next morning Justin and I woke up and made a big breakfast. We were both in the best mood. It was so exciting that this day we had dreamed of and prepared for was finally here. We called family members to let them know Jake would be here soon. My nieces and nephews wanted to make sure I knew that I was in labor on Labor Day!

Vicki came over with all the supplies including a breast pump and herbs to get labor started. Thus began an all day ritual of pumping, dosing and waiting. After several hours of this and no contractions worth breathing through, Vicki left us to continue the ritual on our own.

We did everything we could to bring on labor. We went on a rigorous hike through the trails by our house, tried sexual stimulation and I bounced for a long time on a yoga ball. Around 7PM I began to have some small contractions and began to do some tai chi to help me relax and breathe normally. I found it to be such a perfect tool for that stage of labor. My parents came over and brought some movies and food. We talked for a while and then they left saying, "I cant believe you're in labor right now!" The contractions weren't even half as bad as my periods are so I was just acting normal. No stranger would have ever known that it had been almost a day since my water broke.

I was so glad that I didn't have to be in the hospital, because I would have spent all those hours that I was enjoying being at home and with Justin hooked up to a fetal monitor, an IV and being poked at and prodded constantly. In addition, it was coming up on 24 hours after my water broke and I really didn't want to have a C-section.

Vicki gave us a call to see if labor was picking up. I was still in the earliest of early labor after trying so hard all day to make it happen. She was very encouraging and said not to worry, that I would have Jake tomorrow. Again, she advised a glass of wine and to get a good nights rest, because tomorrow, I would have my baby in my arms for sure. Since a full glass of wine the night before felt like what Justin calls "college drinking," I decided on half a glass. In seconds it seemed I was in fits of hysterical laughter, giddy and buzzed. Justin and I walked down to the hot tub of our apartment complex and stuck our feet in. I couldn't believe this was how Jakes birth was panning out. It was like a holiday. All that laughing got me all worn out and soon I was tired enough to go to sleep.

At 2 AM I woke up and knew right away that I was in real labor. I went to the living room to time contractions and wait it out to see if it was worth waking up Justin and Vicki. It was! I called out to Justin from the living room couch until he woke up and came. All I could muster was, "call Vicki, call Vicki!"

Justin and I worked through the contractions until she came. He was so soothing and supportive. He just sprung out of deep sleep and became a doula. I would burry my face in the cushions of the couch as he smoothed the hair out of my face and told me I was strong and that I was doing a good job. I couldn't get myself to pick up my head to look at him and make the eye contact that I had imagined doing. I hoped he knew how much I was right there with him.

I heard Vicki open our sliding door and a huge wave of relief passed through me. By this time I was standing beside the couch swaying back and forth. She put her hand on my back and told me to drop my shoulders. That really helped.

The next thing I remember is laboring in our bath tub in the candle light. I was 4 cm when I got in. I felt like I was on drugs. I would just stare and stare at this one tile on the wall and listen to Justin's soothing voice as he comforted and encouraged me, telling me that I am beautiful and strong. As each contraction would come I would tell myself "it's going to end, it's going to end, it's going to end." When it ended I would tell myself "enjoy this break, enjoy this break, enjoy this break." It seems I had that conversation with myself a thousand times.

Vicki came in and helped me into the bed to check me again. I was expecting her to tell me that I was 6 cm or so. I was shocked when she told me I was complete with just the tiniest lip of cervix left and that I would be pushing soon. I couldn't believe that the labor went by so fast.

I spent most of my time pushing in the side lying position with Justin holding up my left leg. A million memories of other births I had attended flooded my mind. I tried to connect with all those women as I was pushing and thought of how I wanted to do it. I was a little timid at first, only giving tiny pushes, but the contractions were so strong that I made progress quickly anyway. Before I knew it, Vicki was asking me if I wanted to touch his head, and I did. Everything became so lucid and I realized this is all really happening, that Jake is a real baby and I am really going to have to push him out. It was all so intense. I wished I could pause life and take a break, or a nap.

I felt this intense heaviness deep into my pelvic floor and my perineum started to burn. It was then that I felt my skin tear and I thought to myself, "oh my God, I still have to push him out, it's going to tear more." I lost a little morale there, but Justin was like a cheering squad and I could feel his excitement all over me. He couldn't be still. Despite the pain I found it so amusing and cute and I wanted to make it through and make him proud. I knew he was just dying with curiosity to see his baby-and the end of this journey.

I started to feel like I couldn't take any more pain. I asked, "can you pull him out?" She said, "No honey, you have to push him out." I started pushing with more force and called for strength from deep within my being. With everyone's encouragement, I felt so surrounded by love and became so overwhelmed by the intensity in the room. All of a sudden, Jake's head was born! And then his whole body seemed to explode out. I had no idea it was going to happen at that moment. I was so startled by it that I started screaming for the first time in the whole birthing process. There was an earthquake inside of me, the most intense experience of my life. With my eyes clenched shut my ears were flooded with the noises in to room. Justin was all over the place, beside himself, his excitement came out in words I can't remember a million miles an hour. And then I heard Jake's cry. It was loud and strong. I felt so relieved. He sounded so healthy.

Vicki placed him on my belly. It was as if it was me as a baby lying on my own belly. It was so intense, I couldn't get myself to look at him. I touched him and soaked in every second of the relief and the rest and just felt him breathing. Justin and I shared a sweet kiss. It was over, we did it! It was blissful, our moment together of perfect victory like a 2 man army celebrating winning a war of fatigue, patience and pain. I felt in that moment we were truly married and fully prepared and ready to be Jake's parents.

The room got intense and serious again. It was time to push out the placenta and with a rush on it because I was bleeding too much. I was so lost in the victory moment I forgot all about placenta. I was a little scared but in the end, the placenta was no big deal and it felt great to have it out of there. Since then it has made its home in our freezer. We are going to bury it in our backyard and plant a tree on top of it in honor of Jakes birth.

The next thing I remember was getting into a perfectly warm bath tub in the candle light with the wonderful smell of herbs filling up the room. Jake was brought to me and placed on my chest. I was in love. His naked little body calmly pressed against me and his sweet little breathing noises became the sum of all the joy my heart could hold in one sitting and felt like it was going to explode. That was where we belonged together, in the dark, in the silence, comforting each other. My home felt like a temple The energy inside soaked in love and in peace.

I look back on Jakes birth as the most magical and spiritual day of my life. I proudly hung his home birth certificate with his first footprints on my living room wall because it fills me with happiness to know that our baby was brought into the world this way. I would encourage all women to choose this way, if they can. It was worth every moment of discomfort, because even though the pain is great, it does not compare to the joy, the comfort of your own home or the victory at the end. I would furthermore say that midwives are incredible hard working and compassionate women who can help you have this kind of life changing experience. We hope in a few years to be repeat customers!

 
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Maximillion's Birth

My husband and I had met Vicki after deciding to transfer out of AABC when I was 35 weeks pregnant.

On Friday, December 30th, we had a huge thunderstorm. That night, at 4pm, I noticed that I had started losing my mucous plug. Four hours later, I started to have contractions. At midnight I started to notice leaking amniotic fluid. We had called Vicki, and she let us know that we should give her a call once we got into active labor.

At 4am, we called in Bean, our doula. When she arrived, we had nestled into our media room with the lights off, watching movies and snuggling together on the couch through the contractions. At 6 am, I noticed that they were getting more and more intense, so we contacted Vicki to let her know of the change. She arrived at my house at 10am and did a quick pelvic exam and determined that I was only 2 cm dilated, which was heartbreaking. I had had a son seven years before, and my labor was 14 hours. I had made the mistake of trying to chart my progress against that labor, and was devastated to learn that I wasn’t progressing as quickly as I had then. With my water having broken already, Vicki informed me that we were on a timeline – if I hadn’t made substantial progress by 11pm, I would have to be transferred. After our beautiful night laboring in our home, the idea of transferring to the noise and impersonal sterility of a hospital sounded just awful. Vicki gave me some particularly foul tasting herbs to take that would kick my labor into high gear.

Around this time, some friends of mine showed up to cook everyone breakfast – pancakes, fruit, orange juice, the works! It was really fantastic, and we all feasted after a long night’s work. Shortly afterward, Vicki and our friends went home and my husband, my doula and I went for a walk to try and speed things up. We ran into a few of our neighbors on the way who were excited to learn that a new neighbor was on the way. Contractions along the way were hard – I discovered I wasn’t really able to sit down on the curb, so I slumped against my husband, allowing him to take the full extent of my weight.

We got home and I fell right to sleep for 2 œ hours. During my sleep, I had only two or three very strong contractions, but aside from that, they’d just stopped.

At 1:30 my contractions woke me back up and I got into the shower. We called Vicki again, and she came around and checked the baby’s heart rate and mine. Any time I’d sit down, my contractions would slow, which was starting to get very frustrating. Vicki determined that I talk with my husband and determine if there was anything holding me back, emotionally.

We talked. I had given my first son up for adoption, and going through labor again had dredged up a lot of very prickly old emotions. We played through them all, had a good cry for the son I never got to raise, made promises to our unborn baby, and reaffirmed our desire to be parents.

Vicki determined that the baby was a little catty-wumpus inside, so I got to labor on my hands and knees for a little bit to get him turned (which was a very odd feeling – contracting while feeling something slowly shifting under it).

At 5pm we had terrific news! Vicki did another pelvic exam and discovered that only my outer bag of waters had broken, but that the inner one was still intact (at the earlier exam, my son’s head was pressed so tightly against the bag it disappeared – now it was bulging). This gave us carte blanche to labor as long as we wanted without needing to go to the hospital. Vicki did a little dance, we released the breath we didn’t know we were holding, and everything really kicked into high gear.

The same friends that had shown up earlier showed up again with delicious food from Guerro’s Mexican Café, and the midwives, my husband and doula got a chance to replenish themselves.

As the midwives ate, my husband, doula and I climbed into our shower (it’s one of those walk-in showers with plenty of room) where the contractions really picked up. We moved a lawn chair in there. We discovered how incredible our hot water heater is – we were in there for forty minutes before it gave out. We got back to our media room and onto a futon couch. At this point, the contractions were very close together – I could tell that they were very productive, and it was starting to get more and more difficult to stay on top of them. A quick pelvic exam at 6:00 said I was 7cm dilated. I laid on my side with a knee propped on a pillow, and worked at trying to stay on top of these contractions.

Around 6:15, I noticed a change in the contractions – it felt like I was contracting both horizontally and vertically, and started to feel pressure moving down the birth canal. Not really knowing how to describe what I was feeling, I shouted “Something’s happening! Come in here!" Instantly I felt an overwhelming urge to push, but I didn’t want to start until the midwives were there.

Ah, pushing. What a bizarre and uncomfortable task. Overall, my instincts were telling me that it would help somehow to start scooting backwards, which obviously would do no good. My husband and doula were beside themselves with encouragement, and Vicki quickly took control of the situation. “Kate," she said, “listen to me. You can’t crawl away. It’s time to push. It’s time to have your baby. I see his head."

Vicki slathered me up with olive oil as crowning happened. Apparently the position I was in (still on my side, with my husband supporting my top leg which apparently kept attempting to kick in my desire to get crawling) was terrific – my son was barreling down the birth canal, and the position slowed things down just enough to make sure I didn’t tear. After a few gentle pushes (panting, really) and my informing everyone that crowning felt terrible, my son’s head was born along with some very explosive amniotic fluid. One or two pushes later, and the rest of my son was born, pink and clean and beautiful.

He was immediately laid on my chest, and set to nursing almost instantly, which helped with the birthing of the placenta, which was going on pretty much without any knowledge from me. I was a little preoccupied with a most perfect little human.

During this time, I had started bleeding quite a bit. Vicki decided the cord should be cut before the placenta was birthed to make it easier to deal with the bleeding, so my husband cut it. She gave me Cotton Root Bark (which tasted MUCH better than whatever horrible tincture she gave me previously) to assist with getting my bleeding under control. My son had inhaled a little amniotic fluid during the birthing of the head (when the bag of waters popped with some force), so he and I shared a little oxygen before settling back in to nursing and getting to know each other.

Before we knew it, the midwives had cleaned up our house – started a load of laundry and erased all evidence of the labor having happened in the middle of our living room. At 6:28pm on December 30th, Maximillion Edward Danger was born, 8 pounds, 4 ounces and 21 inches long. He was born with a full head of black hair that was already long enough to start to curl. All in all, a terrific birth. We expect Vicki to be at our next one.

Kate

 
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River's Birth

His birth story begins with the story of my birth as a mother. If his story is the sweet fruit, then my story put down the roots. Our story of conception, pregnancy and birth is long, with many gnarled roots and crooked branches. Each branch leading to other branches, intertwining, as each story leads to another, tangled and inseparable. It's a green canopy of stories all leading to his birth day. At every forked branch, Spirit was present. This is why River is such a special child. He has one ear that is pointed at the tip, like an elf. So I say he is part Fey and part human.

Three years before my son was conceived I began writing a journal to him, trying to invite him into my life. Two years before his conception I began treatment at an infertility clinic. After much intervention, surgeries and procedures I began IVF and a regimen of various drugs. This branch of the tree is dense with its own stories. I continued to call out to my baby's spirit. Finally one day, lying on an examination table under a surgical spotlight, I became pregnant with my son when 3 blastocycts were implanted in my uterus. My tissues knew immediately and told me I was definitely pregnant. I rode home reclining in the back of the van, rubbing my belly and sending the babies love and snapshot images of the most beautiful parts of our land. I felt and saw him make himself comfortable and dig in. That was the beginning of our contact with each other, and after that we generally stayed in good communication. Initially, I was pregnant with twins. I lost River's twin in the 12th week.

I wanted a home birth. But after treatment for infertility and the loss of a twin, I had doubts about myself, my body, my baby, and the possibility of a birth free of extensive interventions. My body had become a stranger to me. I felt it was substandard. Various specialists, (well-intentioned and otherwise), nurses and others, advised me that after the heartache, expense and sacrifice I had experienced to get pregnant I shouldn't consider a home birth. I was even told by a nurse that I didn't need to "bother" with a vaginal birth. I could just schedule a C-section and "get it over with". During my pelvic exam, my IVF doctor advised me that after all this trouble I should have my baby in a hospital with a level 3 NICU. I told her I was considering natural child birth. The doctor and nurse laughed at me. Some people, doctors included, felt it was necessary to tell me terrifying birth stories. If I choose to stray from the norm it would be at great risk to my baby, they told me. I felt defensive and angry. I didn't want fear to control me. I wanted my own authentic birthing experience. I wanted realistic and accurate information. I began researching. In a small and quiet corner of myself I began to softly dig in, sending my roots down into the rich soil, the idea of a home birth. Fear shadowed me. It was a long process to shake loose of that.

Throughout my pregnancy I explored my thought constructs regarding birth. I found a library of terrifying images of danger and disaster which had been collecting since early childhood. I had seen countless stories climaxing around birthing women requiring emergency rescue; sweaty actresses howling to be saved by men in scrubs. In addition to a lifetime of these images, the general consensus is that birth is an undertaking which requires advanced medical equipment, the administration of drugs, and immediate access to an operating room. I explored the thoughts and images one at a time, looking down their throats and seeing what they were made of. I realized it was all shit. I didn't want to be controlled. More importantly, I believed that if I were to bring my son into this world, I wanted to do it in a manner that was aware and liberated. I didn't want to bring him into the world in a hospital only because of my own inability to overcome my own baggage around birth. If I am going to be a good mother to him, I need to face my own untruths.

I was reluctant to share with anyone that I had decided to pursue home birth. I knew I would be met with wide-eyed responses, ranging from genuine disbelief that I would consider something so "extreme", to a barrage of horror stories aimed at using fear to get me back into the status quo. When a woman makes the decision to have a home birth, she immediately radicalizes herself and her baby. The decision pushes you out to the fringe where people encounter you with anger, suspicion, and mockery. To choose to birth at home with a midwife is to become a radical in the eyes of others.

The first time I met the midwives, Vicki and Leonora, I knew I would have a natural home birth. I sank into the soft couch and felt embraced by enormous painted tree branches stretching across the walls and ceiling. The room felt safe and peaceful. I felt quiet and powerful there. I thought, "Spirit has led me here. I'm in the right place. This is a gift. Just relax and surrender to whatever happens." For me, the decision to have a home birth was ultimately about the challenge of learning to surrender to Spirit and to trust. It was an awakening to my own spirituality akin to leaping off a high diving board. It climaxed with the birth of my son.

The internal story of my pregnancy is about healing my body/mind and spirit. I rediscovered my softness, my joy and my power. Vicki and Leonora's nurturing and love helped me to re-establish my relationship with my body. I started to trust my body again. The midwifery model of care made it possible for me to gestate myself as well as my baby. This would never have been possible with a fear and intervention based model of care. This healing created a positive physical outcome for both my baby and me. I truly believe that my baby would have been born with significant complications if I had not felt validated in the inner work I was doing throughout my pregnancy.

From a physical perspective, there were definitely some aspects of my pregnancy that needed to be addressed. Vicki was our resource and advisor. She has a remarkable ability to be the guardian of safety and health while simultaneously protecting the birth plan. I have a history of pelvic adhesions and fibroids. I also have scar tissue from multiple surgeries and procedures. While we did not think this would pose an issue for the delivery of the baby, there were genuine concerns about the delivery of the placenta. Scar tissue could cause the placenta to retain. Vicki spent a lot of time and energy teaching us about the structure and function of the placenta, as well as the possible ramifications of placental retention. My husband and I researched. Vicki always respected our need to make our own decisions. She gave us all the information and respected our ability to make our own judgments. We all discussed options. I had to come to terms with this emotionally. It was a process. I prayed and visualized. I decided to go ahead and have my home birth. At Vicki's suggestion we birthed at a friends place in town, less than 5 minutes from a hospital.

For the duration of my pregnancy I focused on my health; physically, mentally and spiritually. I was very much in touch with my baby and communicating with him. I did daily visualizations and I know these visualizations made changes in my body. Throughout my pregnancy different issues arose and then resolved. An asthma diagnosis proved to be wrong and after treatment from a specialist resolved completely. A minor blood sugar issue was resolved with diet and nutrition. Probably most remarkable was a low lying placenta that moved up 2 cm. late in pregnancy to allow for a safe vaginal birth. All arrows were pointing to home birth. I felt Spirit was blessing my baby and me, removing obstacles one by one. My confidence grew. Vicki and Leonora were continuously supportive.

The weeks before my due date I started talking with my baby about getting into position. I knew he was receiving the message. I was due October 6. Vicki advised me I would probably be about a week late. On October 6 I still was only dilated about 2 cm. and not yet in real labor, though I was experiencing contractions. The baby's head still was not fully descended. I went home that afternoon and thought, "No way. We are not waiting another week". I continued to talk to my baby. I kept telling him to put his head down into my pelvis. I got the distinct message that he was afraid. I told my husband, Wayne, "I talked to River about it. He's afraid to put his head in there. We need to let him know it's OK." Wayne started to talk with him about it too, saying "Hello in there! It's time to come on out. You have to keep your head down". We talked to him about how small and cramped it was getting in my belly and that there's a big world full of love just waiting for him. I told him, "I know you are afraid. But sometimes you just have to go ahead and do it anyway. I'm afraid too. I won't let anything happen to you. Vicki will be there to help us." For the next few days we talked about it. He would send me a message that he was really afraid and didn't want to go down, and I would send him back a message saying, "Have faith, you are loved. There's a wonderful world out here. We will do this together." I'd send him waves of love

Meanwhile I made my birth altar. I knew I would need strength. Sheela-Na-Gig, Isis, Venus of Willendorf, Innana, and Tlzeolteotl were there. I giant statue of Artemis reminded me that I would need some wild woman energy. A poppet that represented me rested at the feet of Artemis, holding the Strength tarot card in her lap. Tarot cards of Surrender, Cerridwen, Hecate, Witch, Corn Mother and Mawu. Each day I spent time in front of the altar with River. We would do some yoga, pray and visualize. I knew the time was coming. I'd say, "Wayne, it's not gonna be a whole week."

After midnight Thursday Oct. 9 labor started. Wayne had late band rehearsal. I was having contractions and felt tired About midnight I woke up when he came home. I rolled over on the couch and got up to use the bathroom. I felt a little "pop" and a bit of clear fluid ran down my leg. I figured that was amniotic fluid. Immediately the contractions started getting stronger. I had plenty of time; I saw no reason to call Vicki yet. I couldn't get comfortable anywhere and was very restless. I had lots of energy but couldn't focus on anything. I mopped the floors and folded laundry. I wandered around outside watching the waxing moon, praying and talking to River. He wasn't communicating back to me. I felt very alone. I sat in front of my altar. I tried to sleep but the contractions were getting more intense and sleep was impossible. When the pain got increasingly intense I woke up Wayne. He's a very deep sleeper and wasn't waking up. I had to physically pound on him. We started loading bags into the van. I grabbed my Goddesses and Tarot cards and put them in a special bag. He started timing my contractions. They were still 4-5 minutes apart but getting heavier. By this point it was about 5 am. Wayne called Vicki. I was sitting on the toilet and Wayne handed me the phone, "Here, talk to Vicki". I don't remember much of the conversation, a contraction came on and I wasn't able to hold the phone to my ear. It was still great to hear her voice. She sounded so cheerful. We started out for Austin.

The ride to Austin from Bastrop was horrible. I was in the back of the van on a futon. Wayne had tried to make it soft and comfortable with lots of pillows Contractions in a moving vehicle are hell. There's nothing to focus your attention on and every time the vehicle jostles or changes direction it brings on a cluster of contractions and you can't get a break.

Finally we arrived. Wayne got out of the van and started carrying in bags. I was thinking, "I'm glad we're here. Now I have to manage to climb out of this van and walk in." I remember Leonora coming to help me. At one point I was on my hands and knees in the front yard while I rode out a contraction. After we got settled in the house, Vicki checked me and told me I was only 3 cm. dilated. I thought I would cry or yell and curse. I thought, "There's no way I can do this." Vicki and Leonora encouraged me, and I felt I could keep going. As the contractions got more powerful I wanted to escape. Several times I told everyone I wanted to go to a hospital and have an epidural or a C-section or anything else but this. Wayne told me later that I had asked for morphine. I don't remember that. When Vicki said that we could go if I really wanted to, I realized that I didn't actually want a hospital. I was just looking for a way out of the pain. I'm so thankful that no-one took me to a hospital. We would have ended up with a lot of interventions and a traumatic delivery. Leonora helped me settle down and start working with the contractions.

Much of my memory of labor is fragmented and non-sequential. I felt like a field mouse that had been suddenly and violently snatched up in hawk's claws and flown high into the clouds. Once Birth Mother captures you in Her powerful claws you just have to submit. You are inside of a massive Force that you cannot fight or escape.

I remember that I really tried to give into the pain when I was lying on my left side in the bed. There were white cotton curtains on the windows. One of the curtains had a small black piece of thread or lint stuck to it. Every time a contraction came I would just focus on that black dot. I would tell myself "open, open, open" and then I would think "Why is it so damn painful to open?!" I went back and forth between these two types of thoughts. One part of me saying, "Relax, breathe, go with it…" and the other part of me thinking "Aaahhh shit, get me outta here!!" Wayne, Leonora and Vicki were taking turns helping me through the contractions. One person would put pressure on my lower back. Another person would lay down facing me and helping me through the contractions. I realize now that it must have been exhausting for them. When Wayne lay with me I would look into his eyes and think about how much I love him. I would think "We are actually doing it. We are having a baby together!" That carried me through. When Leonora lay with me I would look in to her eyes and they were like deep pools of compassion and caring. I could feel it coming off her like vapor. It was so powerful. It actually eased the pain. She breathed with me. She helped me to stay on top of it. If a contraction was particularly long and strong, when it was over she would say, "Good One!" or "That will help get your baby out!". I would think "Oh yeah, this is about getting my baby out", because I would get lost and forget what I was really doing. I was just bobbing in an ocean of pain with no land in sight. She helped me relax in between by just saying "jaw" "shoulder" "neck". We rode out some massive ones like that, sometimes 4 minutes long with very little break in between. I have a hazy memory of gripping her shoulder as if I were about to be catapulted into outer space. I realize now that I might have left a bruise. I'm sorry about that. Leonora helped me to be in a very soft space when I needed it most. When Vicki lay with me I thought "God she's strong. This is birth. This is what women do; this is what we've always done. I can do this too." That feeling just came off of her and filled the open space between us. Leonora is like water, Vicki is like earth.

At some point Vicki asked me if I wanted to be checked again. I was afraid to find out that I might still only be a few centimeters dilated. Vicki checked me and told me I was almost ready to push. I think I dilated from 3 cm to 10cm in about 2 1/2 hours. It was very intense. I felt like I had been loaded onto a catapult and shot into outer space. I was excited to start pushing and relieved that the dilation part of labor was over. I don't remember how we started pushing. At one point I tried to get up and walk around. I clutched onto Wayne during a contraction; it was impossible to stand.

Another memory of this stage of labor is meeting Patty, the sweet midwife who came to help us with the birth. I watched her walk into the adjacent room. Vicki introduced us. My mouth said "hello". In an instant, I became aware of a very primal presence that stepped up inside me and began to look out from behind my eyes. I suddenly felt that I was sharing my body with a massive and ancient bear. The bear presence was reluctant to let Patty in the room. It sent out a wave of energy that pushed Patty back to the threshold. Oddly, I felt embarrassed for the bear's behavior but the bear had control and I was just a passenger. It was a very bizarre experience. The bear watched Patty from a distance for awhile and then disappeared to wherever She came from. My eyes became my own again and the bear did not come back. Patty became one of my midwives too.

I pushed in a semi-sitting position on the bed. Vicki told me there was a small lip of cervix still there. I was getting impatient at that point and just wanted to have the baby. I remember asking her if she could move it. Then another contraction came and I don't remember what happened. I tried to get on my hands and knees, it was too painful.

I remember when Vicki looked at me and told me it was time to start pushing. I was standing up. I told her that I needed my Goddesses. Somehow, in all of our bags and belongings she went straight to my Goddess bag. It was amazing. I really appreciated that. She set up all my Goddesses and Tarot cards on a nearby table where I could see them. That altar became the energetic center for the rest of the birth process as one Goddess after another entered into the birth space and into our bodies.

The pushing seemed to go on forever. Overall I pushed for over 3 hours. Maybe 31/2 hours. Time collapsed and I was completely focused on each moment. I spent a lot of that time in a squatting position with my back resting on Wayne. He was sitting on the bed and I was leaning back against his legs. He held me up a lot. The baby would start to come down, and then slip back again. Vicki got a mirror to show me his head. I could see a wrinkled circle of his head, about half dollar sized. It looked blue. It was so amazing to see my baby inside my body. I'll never forget that.

I kept pushing but we weren't really getting anywhere. Everyone coached me through pushing. Patty would look me right in the eye and say, "Wait for a contraction. Wait. And then push". She'd also say, "Just when your about to stop pushing, just keep going a little more". Leonora would help me remember to keep my chin tucked. She would make an expression on her face like she was pushing with me. That really helped too. Vicki was sitting on the floor between my legs. Everyone was encouraging me but we weren't making much progress and I was getting tired and discouraged. I was pushing so hard I felt like my eyes were going to bulge out of my head and my butt would completely rip in half.

I would focus on the altar. I don't think anyone purposefully invoked the Goddesses, but we needed Her and thankfully, She arrived nonetheless. As the pushing became more intense the whole room became a swirling vortex of energy. I was not feeling the bright, shining, softer Goddess energies but the dense and darker energies of the life-death-life Goddesses. The midwives suggested some different positions, but after a few tries we went back to squatting. Vicki asked me if I wanted to try something else. I was willing to try anything. Leonora and Patty were on both sides of me. When a contraction came, Leonora would press against my left hip while Patty pressed against my right hip and I pushed. They called this the pelvic press. I could feel myself open more. I continued to squat and push. Everyone was pouring their energy into me. The Goddesses were drifting in and out of my body fluidly, as if my flesh were nothing more than an empty container. I straddled all the worlds simultaneously, not fully in or out of any of them. Life, Death, Spirit -- all swirling in the same space and moment simultaneously. I pushed with Sheela-Na-Gig in my body for awhile feeling my hips rotate out, my bottom press down closer to the floor, and my hole gape open wider. The baby's heart tones were slowing down. Vicki told me the baby had to be born very soon or we would have to transport to a hospital. I felt Wayne behind me. He felt so solid. He put his head against mine and just poured love and strength into me. There was a moment when it was just he and I fused together, loving and pushing. It kept me going. I continued to push. Tlzeolteotl arrived and She did a lot of the pushing. When She pushed I felt my head snap back, my hands grasp my breasts, and all my lower back and abdominal muscles powerfully clamp down like a vise. She was determined and utterly merciless when She pushed. It was She who finally pushed his head out. I asked Vicki to give me an episiotomy. River's heart tones were slowing down, I was getting tired and we all knew he had to be born soon. I felt him reaching out to me and I felt he was in some trouble. Vicki gave me the episiotomy and his head came out on the next push.

I wasn't able to see between my legs, but I knew something serious was happening. Vicki smiled at me but her hands looked busy. Patty leaned down between my legs and looked busy too. The room got quiet. Someone was talking to me but I couldn't make any sense of it. I looked from one person to another, trying to piece it together. Wayne was standing up. He looked at me with tears in his eyes, an expression of love and pain. One of his legs was shaking; that's always a sure sign that he's upset. Leonora's eyes were filled with love. I saw and felt it all in an instant. I pushed and felt his body slither out. Then I saw River. He was bright blue and not breathing. Vicki put a tube in him and was sucking on the other end of it. My baby wasn't breathing. I was falling backwards through the floor and out into black space. Vicki looked up, and with her mouth still on the tube, she looked in my eyes and smiled. I will always love her for that. Then he was up on my chest and Patty was rubbing in an upwards motion on his back. He opened his left eye and looked straight at me like he recognized me. I said, "He's in there!" Patty said, "Yeah, he's in there. Talk to him." I started talking, saying, "Hello there River". He took a breath. He started to sputter and gasp. Then he cried. His head had been born with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck twice. His shoulders couldn't be born because the cord was strangling him. Vicki cut the cord and unwound him and then the rest of his body was born.

The first couple of minutes after his birth I was just stunned and numb. He looked straight into my eyes. I think he was relieved it was finally all over and he knew he was safe now. It seemed like he said to me, "You called and I came. But I TOLD you it would be scary". I felt his tiny body against me and silently acknowledged his journey.

His bravery awed me. The cord was around his neck, but he came out anyway. He started his life in a laboratory. He survived the implantation. He survived the loss of his twin. He put his head down into my pelvis, even though he was afraid. He struggled through the birth canal with the cord around his neck. Always he communicates a sweet and gentle spirit. This is why I say he is a spiritual warrior. Later when he was crying, Vicki held him and told him that she knew it was a hard journey and he had a lot to say about it. That really seemed to calm him down. He needed to know that we were listening.

I held him on my chest for awhile and then Vicki said that it was time to deliver the placenta. This was the part we had all been worried about from the start. No one knew if the placenta would detach fully. The energy had been so intense, but it had gotten lighter and brighter once River was stable and resting on my chest. Now the energy shifted again, and the room got heavy. I asked Vicki to bring me the Hecate tarot card from the altar. Hecate is a special Goddess to me. In years past She brought me a lot of challenges and pain. Recently I stopped running from Her, and went into Her dark spaces to meet Her face to face. When I was able to do that, She became my beloved Queen and Grandmother. Though dark and sometimes fierce, She has also been a teacher and ally. During my pregnancy visualizations, I came to believe that Hecate would help to detach the placenta and end the birth process. As the Sacred Crone of my deepest fears, it made perfect sense to me that She would see us through the delivery of the placenta.

I started to sing and pray to Her while I stared at Her image. Wayne was beside me. I relaxed every muscle in my body. I felt Her in the room and then I felt Her presence through Vicki. I looked at Vicki and knew she would be successful. I really felt complete trust and love in those moments. I kept looking at Wayne and telling him how much I love him. I saw Hecate standing directly behind Vicki. She was wearing a dark cloak but was shimmering. Vicki's hand was inside me helping the placenta out and Hecate was moving through her. I saw Vicki's hand and Hecate's hand were one. I saw Vicki's hand was shaped like a small sickle inside me. I saw Hecate guide the sickle and painlessly separate the placenta from my body. And then it was over. The placenta was out. Vicki stood up and said "I got it. It's out" and tears came down her face. We were all crying. I was so thankful to the all the Goddesses, especially Hecate and Vicki. Shortly after, Vicki stitched me up and it was all over.

I was exhausted, but had never felt so holy and joyful. I had been on a real shamanic journey and had returned as the mother of a beautiful boy. We cleaned up, ate blueberry pancakes and slept. Every sensation was new and delicious, as if I was experiencing all of life for the first time. We slept over that night and the energy in the room felt really clean and sacred.

Someday I'll share River's birth story with him so he can know what an exceptional person he is. Every day I look at him and just say "Thank you" because he chose me for his mom.

 
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